Real programmers don’t use Node
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The 40th anniversary of “The story of Mel” just passed
It would be an outrage, if I let the captive audience off the hook
Who did click through, the title which could be a book
T’is said — Write more code to write less code
Node says — Use more bloat to use a simple float
Coddles the programmers it does,
What could be an operator, is a module of fuzz
What module you incredulousy ask,
“is-odd” in glory the author bask
Let me feed your addiction the author says,
Here’s is-even, don’t use operators he brays
Strong typing is the right solution, and experts agree
Typescript is for wimps, crow bros of JS pedigree
Between npm and left-pad there brewed a fight,
In a fit of tantrum, pulled out all modules to show his might
So what if you say, left-pad doesn’t matter,
Brought down the internet, the web and ether
T’is said dependencies are heavier than a black hole
The size of app code, is smaller than a microscopic mole
Angular is great, VueJS is greater
Says Facebook gleefully, React is your savior
A 32 KB React App is small and tiny
Dependencies of 320 MB, make the obese feel puny
The app is Gru on a Grumobile
I say so, without being facile
OLTP CRUD heavy, and a database to boot,
Then Node is not your tool, its existence is moot
SQL is simple, and works because it is proven
Let’s make things complex, said the Node coven
Invented GraphQL and made it complex
And call those who use SQL, as heathen simplex
Node is a monstrosity, a Mordor of architectural pitfalls
Plastic of programming environments, useful at first
Ubiquitous and toxic, here to stay,
Sadly the curse on us it befalls
You can write server-side in JS they crow
You can also plough a field with a table fork, says my raised unibrow
Fret not for all is not dark
HTMX is promising, and is not a React fork
Use a table fork not to plough, but to eat
Use other server-side languages, surely Node cannot defeat
I write this in honor of all programmers who’ve fallen for Node’s shine
Let the flames begin, while I sip on a vintage wine
